Bob McNair: You are a douche.

Living in a city of perpetual sports mediocrity like Houston, where the pressure is low and fancy free, is the staunchest visage of limbo I could ever imagine. It's a place where gunsliging baseball owners worry about Sheriff Blaylock nacho sales more that the fat tub of chili cheese sauce steals cash like it's a stack of Otis Spunkmeyers out of the EZ Bake.

Then there's Bob McNair, the man who brought professional football back to Houston. A brilliant business man and savvy public figure who at one time embodied all that was good and righteous in what could be a prosperous football franchise. With reports mounting that McNair will indeed retain Gary Kubiak and hire Wade 'Stay-Puft' Phillips as the DC, McNair proves who's no different that Uncle Drayton.

There's only about 2034 things wrong with this situation, but I'll give you the most glaring. Can anyone tell me the only NFL franchise to employ the heaad same coach and not have reached the playoffs at any point in the last five seasons? Why, it's the Houston Texans and native son Gary Kubiak. As a headcoach who's proven an inability to manage the clock and run the football consistently (WITH A FUCKING 17 POINT LEAD) with the NFL's leading rusher, Kubiak's only managed one losing season in five. And last season, the lone 9-7 campaign, the lowly Texans beat-up on the JV NFC East and a Patriots team that played Brian Hoyer for an entire half.

Under Kubiak the Texans have employed two defensive coordinators: Richard Smith and Frank Bush. And those two train wrecks were hired by Kubes and his resident houseboy, GM Rick Smith (more on him later). Those two trainwrecks employed and coached two of the worst defenses in the NFL, and when asked earlier this season why Frank Bush should keep his job, Kubiak responded, "Because I believe in him." Wow, now I KNOW the Texans are a franchise destined for greatness. Kubiak must think he's Tebow. Sorry Gary, only Tim has healing powers.

Then there's GM Rick Smith, the man who Gary Kubiak brought in to be his boss. He's a massive zero in free agency, his drafts have been terrible and whoever made the decision to go into a 2010 season that was expected end in a playoff run with Glover Quinn and Kareem 'The Dream' Jackson? Kubiak or Smith, it doesn't matter: FAIL.

So what's Uncle Bob's response to a pissed-off fan base and failed expectations? Wade Phillips. The same Wade Phillips whose team quit on him in Dalls. The same Wade Phillps whose dad and Houston great, Dan Pastorini campaigned for to Bob McNair at Reliant this past week. While Wade's track record as a DC is impressive, the personnel for the 3-4, which Wade employs, isn't even close. Mario Williams will have to be traded. Tumor Boy Brian Cushing and Demeco Ryans are too small. The secondary still can't cover and Brian Pollard is a poor man's Roy Williams. I could go on and on and on, but I'll have to quit or else I'll become angry and bitter, just like Jace.

What Bob McNair proved is that he's a snake-oil-selling carnival barker who's tosses out nostalgia acts in lieu of intelligent, legit football decisions. Maybe Bob's over matched or frankly just doesn't care because he's cashing in $300 million every season. Instead of Jose Cruz, maybe we can get Bubba McDowell to serve Gatorade? Remember when Drayton hired Larry Dierker? Why the hell not bring in Giff Nielson to coach? All that said, Houston fans will be ticked and show up whenever the CBA issue is addressed in the offseason. We're a city of average in everything except fat asses. Welcome to Houston, Wade, we're just right for 'ya.