Bob McNair: You are a douche.

Living in a city of perpetual sports mediocrity like Houston, where the pressure is low and fancy free, is the staunchest visage of limbo I could ever imagine. It's a place where gunsliging baseball owners worry about Sheriff Blaylock nacho sales more that the fat tub of chili cheese sauce steals cash like it's a stack of Otis Spunkmeyers out of the EZ Bake.

Then there's Bob McNair, the man who brought professional football back to Houston. A brilliant business man and savvy public figure who at one time embodied all that was good and righteous in what could be a prosperous football franchise. With reports mounting that McNair will indeed retain Gary Kubiak and hire Wade 'Stay-Puft' Phillips as the DC, McNair proves who's no different that Uncle Drayton.

There's only about 2034 things wrong with this situation, but I'll give you the most glaring. Can anyone tell me the only NFL franchise to employ the heaad same coach and not have reached the playoffs at any point in the last five seasons? Why, it's the Houston Texans and native son Gary Kubiak. As a headcoach who's proven an inability to manage the clock and run the football consistently (WITH A FUCKING 17 POINT LEAD) with the NFL's leading rusher, Kubiak's only managed one losing season in five. And last season, the lone 9-7 campaign, the lowly Texans beat-up on the JV NFC East and a Patriots team that played Brian Hoyer for an entire half.

Under Kubiak the Texans have employed two defensive coordinators: Richard Smith and Frank Bush. And those two train wrecks were hired by Kubes and his resident houseboy, GM Rick Smith (more on him later). Those two trainwrecks employed and coached two of the worst defenses in the NFL, and when asked earlier this season why Frank Bush should keep his job, Kubiak responded, "Because I believe in him." Wow, now I KNOW the Texans are a franchise destined for greatness. Kubiak must think he's Tebow. Sorry Gary, only Tim has healing powers.

Then there's GM Rick Smith, the man who Gary Kubiak brought in to be his boss. He's a massive zero in free agency, his drafts have been terrible and whoever made the decision to go into a 2010 season that was expected end in a playoff run with Glover Quinn and Kareem 'The Dream' Jackson? Kubiak or Smith, it doesn't matter: FAIL.

So what's Uncle Bob's response to a pissed-off fan base and failed expectations? Wade Phillips. The same Wade Phillips whose team quit on him in Dalls. The same Wade Phillps whose dad and Houston great, Dan Pastorini campaigned for to Bob McNair at Reliant this past week. While Wade's track record as a DC is impressive, the personnel for the 3-4, which Wade employs, isn't even close. Mario Williams will have to be traded. Tumor Boy Brian Cushing and Demeco Ryans are too small. The secondary still can't cover and Brian Pollard is a poor man's Roy Williams. I could go on and on and on, but I'll have to quit or else I'll become angry and bitter, just like Jace.

What Bob McNair proved is that he's a snake-oil-selling carnival barker who's tosses out nostalgia acts in lieu of intelligent, legit football decisions. Maybe Bob's over matched or frankly just doesn't care because he's cashing in $300 million every season. Instead of Jose Cruz, maybe we can get Bubba McDowell to serve Gatorade? Remember when Drayton hired Larry Dierker? Why the hell not bring in Giff Nielson to coach? All that said, Houston fans will be ticked and show up whenever the CBA issue is addressed in the offseason. We're a city of average in everything except fat asses. Welcome to Houston, Wade, we're just right for 'ya.

Inside the NCL: Week 15

Mr. Kruger Says "We're on the right track"

Knowing that most NCL participants have a passing interest if not a dedicated, diehard interest in the Texans, I thought I'd pass along a little tidbit that you may have missed this past week. As the Texans' season came crashing down this past Monday night with Josh Wilson's pick-six at the expense of Matt Schaub in overtime, most in the league expected head coach Gary Kubiak and GM Rick Smith to be shown the door at the end of the season. And why shouldn't they be? Captain Kubes has steered the Texans to a 1-6 record down the stretch after a 4-2 start, and GM Rick Smith (widely acknowledged as Gary Kubiak's stringed puppet) has blown numerous first round picks on a defense that ranks amongst the worst in the NFL.

Just as the Cowher talk began to bubble on Houston airwaves and in the Chronicle, Texans Owner, Bob McNair (who looks exactly like Mr. Kruger from the greatest show of all-time, "Seinfeld")_ addressed his toilet-spiraling team post practice. What he said, and I'm just paraphrasing here, was basically, 'I just spoke with the owners in the NFL and they all believe that we're on the right track, and that makes me feel good.'

Really, Kruger? Everyone believes you're on the right track? I can't imagine that Jim Irsay, Jerry Jones, Bud Adams, the Glazers and everyone else in the league would tell you anything different. Of course you're on the right track; the right track for them to keep kicking your ass every season. What competitor would want you to make a change in the front office and on the sidelines when they can perpetually enjoy jumping out to 21 point leads while you're head coach fails to manage the 2-minute drill? You really think the Rooney Family wants you to bring Bill Cowher in to instill discipline and not go 1-6 through November/December? You keep believing Mr. Kruger that Coco the Monkey is going to take you to the promised land. Tell Dr. Van Nostrand hi for me, and Happy Festivus.

Efurd Wraps it Up

Efurd's going to win the NCL this weekend. His point lead is damned near insurmountable, and Austin is starting Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB. The money spots are still definitely in play, and only Austin, Bille, James Carville and J. Willy have something to play for. Everyone else: It's time to start thinking about your tags for next year.

MVP Named Starter for the Season




In other news, 2014 NFL MVP, Colt McCoy, was named starter for the rest of the season by lame duck Head Coach Eric Mangini. Anyone looking for a 'can't miss' tag for the coming seasons, and for basically the next 15 years, pick-up McCoy.

Effects of CBA on Tags

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated this past week on NFL Network that he anticipates a new CBA being completed prior to the March 1st deadline. Player Union Rep (and all-time great nut shot artist) Kevin Mawae said on NFL Radio that things are starting to move in the right direction. If for some reason, however, we see a work stoppage, the ramifications for the league and thus the NFL will be far reaching. For example, there will be as many as 8 open coaching vacancies this off season, which will affect rosters from top to bottom. Perhaps you have a back on your squad who's heading toward free agency. You will not know for certain his future prospects with any team until you're certain on the head coach, scheme, and overall team quality.

Efurd's likely going to have to extend the franchise tag deadline if a new agreement isn't in place by March 1st.




Wall F*cks Up

Wall turned down a straight-up Vick for Hakeem Nicks trade right before the deadline. No shit, it's true.