Slippage

I get it. We're all adults now. Most of us are married or engaged, have careers and children. Who has time to sit down and write predictions or change their NCL team name? I know Jace's too busy using his oversized buck knife to slice open another can of Cope, and Bobby is too busy filing his AARP paperwork.

I haven't had the 'honor' to write predictions in a few seasons, because I'm too busy being mired in Kubiak-esque mediocrity to be bad or good. Shit, I might get another chance next week. I'm starting Tim Tebow this week.

So with that in mind...gentlemen...let's get to it.

M10 vs. The Viking Warlord

Martin, sensing his season slip away, dealt for Cam Newton despite having a franchised Matty Swab, is currently stuck at the bottom of the leaderboard ala Ty Tryon (look it up). Austin, Mr. Cardinals 'Darkhorse Guy" (I told you Kevin Kolb sucked), still has an outside shot at the money. This battle of Brothers in Law(s) goes to Mr. Ponder this week. Mendenhall, Mike Wallace and Dallas' match-ups lead the day. Scam Newton can't pull it out for Pee In His Butt. (Nice team name this week, Sal.)

Carville vs. Mr. Stroyick

Who hates Wall more than me? Probably no one, but he still has the best team in the NCL. Despite the loss of Andre Johnson, he's still rolling thanks to Matt Forte. This week, however, Boobs gets over ala CM Punk on Wallum. This is a hunch play, due to the fact that I think Chris Johnson gets right this week (even though that was a bad move, Mr. Dan Snider). Bob in the UPSET SPECIAL!

Super Ag vs. The Mayor of Lousiana

I kind of feel bad for Justin. He took Peyton, got proper-bent-over, and has been scuffling ever since. Mr. Social Media, Bille, is mired in the 3-3 cluster of average. This week, Bille wins. I think Baltimore will score 200 points against Jacksonville.

Reef vs. Saint Anger

After a championship season, Reef has been let down by his franchise cornerstones, Phillp Rivers and Arian Foster. Despite Megatron going all JAZZ on the league, Reef is near the bottom. And this week, Rivers gets Revis/Cromartie, and MJD gets Baltimore. Despite a good fight, Lil' Jace gets the win. Aaron Rodgers puts in in Justin's butt, and he can't really decide if that's a good or bad thing. Jace wins.

Chris vs. Teen Wolf

All Day is taking Chris to the next level. And Steve? Welker and Brady. In a power-brokering battle, Tibs gets the victory over a depleted Steve. Sam Bradford falls short against the Dallas D.

Me vs. Peter Pan

I'm starting Tim Tebow. Steve is starting Drew Brees vs. Indy. I'm going to take on harder than Nancy after three Zimas. Steve in a walkover.

In Summation

Greetings, Cooters,

First I want to congratulate the Aggies on their move to the SEC, which they celebrated by choking away a 4th quarter lead at home to Oklahoma State. Nice.

In all honesty I thought I had a shot to win the league this year, even with Michael Vick playing like a sack of tepid urine. Kenny Britt was tearing it up, and Jamaal Charles was good enough to put together a year behind the garbage that is the Chiefs. Well, they tore it up all right #ACL/MCL. And Miles Austin is out until Week 6. That's okay. I'll still be Jelly, and probably Boobs.

Metz is back with the White Boy Super Squad, tearing up the league. I'd have to go back and check, but has anyone ever won a Fantasy Football league ever that started five white guys?

It was nice to see Wall lose. Afterall, everyone hates him, right? Jesus, I know I do.

Boobs got married this past weekend, thus leaving Jelly (engaged, allgedly), Mendo, and Austin (I think) as the last cooters remaining on the market. As Jelly will be gone soon, I've gotta say money's on Mendo to be the last man standing. I can totally see him as 53-year-old Midtown Guy, dancing with Glowsticks and shooting buttery nipples.

I watched 6 games from this past weekend, and came away totally in awe of Colt McCoy's leadership. Despite the Buffalo win, and Brees dominating the Texans in the 4th quarter, Colt really stood out. What a winner. Just a pure, complete winner.

Quick Hitter this time, guys. And really, I just wanted to write something so I can post the video below. MVP 2014. Enjoy, bitches.

http://youtu.be/_Xt4Ib3fsh0

Titletown

Tomorrow night we'll see 'Johnny Cakes' Rodgers (have you seen the dude's mustache?) take on Drew Brees and the remnants of a decent defense. I'm going to skip the formaility of writing this week and just give you straight, old fashioned Inside the NCL format.

Step 1: Piss People Off

Seriously, if every college football program that's been largely irrelevant for the last decade tries to run to another conference after FINALLY winning 9 games, college football is fucked.

Step 2: Football Commentary

Division Winners
AFC West
San Diego

AFC South
Houston

AFC East
New England

AFC North
Pittsburgh

AFC Wildcards

Kansas City

New York

NFC West

St. Louis

NFC South

Atlanta

NFC East

Dallas

NFC North

Green Bay

Wild Cards

Philadelphia

New Orleans

Super Bowl

Green Bay vs. San Diego

Champion
Green Bay

Step 3: NCL Commentary

The following teams have no shot at winning the title this season, largely because either A) Not enough talent, or B) They need too many big seasons from individual players:

Tibs, Jace, Mendo, Bobby, Metz, Bille (Michael Turner is done, bro)

The following teams have a shot to win this season:

Justin, Austin (all depends on Frank Gore, who may have one more good season in him), Wall (Fucker), Martin (simply because if Felix Jones stays on the field, he's a top 3 back), Tom (too much upside with a full season of Vick).

In the end, I think Wall win finally win a keeper title. Trust me, I hope he still carries the title of, "biggest fag to never win a NCL Keeper Title."

Remember, we're only a few seasons away from the coronation of Colt.

Kneelift!

Back To Football

I'll readily admit that I've likely developed a bit of a problem when it comes to my obsession with professional (and to a much lesser extent) collegiate football. Proof? I just signed up for the preseason pass on NFL.com, which allows me unfettered access to NFL preseason games. Yeah, it's f&*#ed up.


Flat Tires

The loss of Mikel Leshoure for the season this last week is a significant blow to the Detroit Lions. The first year player out of Illinois, a 225 lb. hard runner with a bruising style, was drafted to be a compliment to incumbent Jahvid Best. Now, it's not a big secret that the Lions had concerns about Best's durability as an everydown back with a pick of Leshoure in the 2nd round. Best didn't have a single game over 100 yards rushing, was injured and averaged 3.2 YPC. He's undersized and cannot run between the tackles 25-30 times per game. Jerome Harrison and Mike Bell were brought in as additional options. Don't look for much fantasy production out of the Lions' backfield in 2011. But you can look for them to finish ahead of Austin's Vikings, who will be last in the NFC North in 2011.

Same 'Old Boobs



While the fantasy universe touted the future that was Ryan Matthews in San Diego, Boobs couldn't help himself to yet another rookie skill position player. 2010 yielded not a whole hell of a lot for Matthews, and he looked timid and unsure in his timing and hitting holes when he wasn't hurt. Mike Tolbert, TD vulture extraordinaire, became the starting option. Thus far in camp, Matthews has been unimpressive, and even failed the 'conditioning test' that Fat Albert made famous last preseason. Tolbert is currently listed atop the Chargers' depth chart, but rest assured that they'll try to ram Matthews in the line-up as much as possible. The gave up too much to draft him.

Half-Breed

While I'm going to go ahead and ignore Austin's absurd 13-3 Arizona Cardinals prediction (because it's absolutely retarded and ignorant), I AM going to say that Kolb is not the best QB in his division. Sam Bradford is. In 2010, the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year took every snap for an emerging Rams team, throwing the ball more than any rookie since Dan Marino. And he was throwing to absolute nobodies, especially after Mark Clayton was injured. Enter Josh McDaniels and his history of making nobody receivers into legit receiving threats. Danny Amendola (chance to be an excellent Y or Slot Receiver), Donnie Avery (burner), and Mike Sims-Walker (untapped potential) could all have break out seasons and are sleepers at their position. Sam Bradford-top 12 FF QB in 2011.


Pick-to-Click

Roy "Legend" Williams



While this pick is sure to curry 'homer' calls from the masses, it's a legit football opinion despite the fact that yes, I legitimately think he'll have a nice 2011. Roy landed in Chicago where he's reunited with Mike Martz, who coached him in Detroit to his best professional seasons. Replace Joey Harrington with Jay Cutler (who's a pussy, but still a lot better than the 'Piano Man'), and you got the makings of a nice revival.

Prologue: Out of the Basement-NCL 2011

After nearly two weeks of near-stalker level obsession with the abbreviated NFL offseason, I've finally emerged from my Madden NFL 12-Flavored Tailgater BBQ Dorito crusted hovel long enough to get off my first NCL/NFL Blog of the season. I'm still hungover from the Packers' Super Bowl win. What? It'd been, like, six years since any of my teams had won anything (2005 Longhorns, college baseball doesn't count, because it's stupid and it sucks)? It feels weird to be associated with a winner; which has got to be similar to the way Jace feels after he finally found a woman patient enough to marry his grumpy-ass.

And I know, I know; many of you not associated with the OG crew from TJHS in 1995 when Reef and I began our Packers fandom are probably thinking, "That bandwagoning bastard." Sterling and Brett challenged for the NFC crown. Dennis Hopper recorded, "Like a freight train, baby." Fans for 16 years. Eat it Austin S., aka. Pastor Kerry Shook. Your number one wideout is Bernard Berrian. Have fun with that.



Now that I've officially taken my first shot across the bow, like a Cylon Raider across Selena's Dad's Pinto, I guess I might as well get to football. It won't be the last time, though. It's best to start jumping every 33 minutes. Start the clock.

Thanks to Martin, he's already done a lot of the legwork I was going to do in identifying NCL restricted and unrestricted free agents. I love the spreadsheet, but I sure as $%^# didn't want to have to dig through it quite yet. Thanks M10.

With that said, I'll disagree with Martin's take on Andre Johnson and the one year tag. Andre's going top 7 in most mock fantasy drafts this season. Last year, despite not having a true number 2 threat to spread the defense and disperse roll coverage with Owen Daniels' injury, Andre still put up Tier One WR numbers. The result for the Texans' Offense in 2011? A. Foster's numbers will dip to around 1,300 yards rushing. Quick side note: Some will assume that it's because of the departing Vonte Leach. Not the case. Vonte was only in the game for 30% of the snaps last season. The Texans also ran more two-back sets than most NFL teams due to the fact that they were missing a legit TE threat to stretch the middle of the field. So back to Tibs and Andre Johnson: If you think you can get value later in the draft and make hay in pick-ups you keep him if you want to be in the money this year. Pass on him if you don't.

(Quick thought on the above: Commish, since the lottery and tags are on the same night, are we tagging players before knowing where we're slotted in the draft? If not, Tibs can simply find out if he can get AP. If he can't, keep AJ.)

Quick Takes on the Rest

Stephen Jackson

Jackson is 28 and coming off of the lowest YPC average of his career. While he had 1,600 yards from scrimmage, he only had 6 TDs. The Rams signed Cadillac Williams and Jerious Norwood for RB depth. Josh McDaniels is the new OC, who runs a modified West Coast offense (think Patriots 2008 season, when he was OC there). RB is not a feature in that offense, and Jackson is nearly over the hill. Anything before the fourth round for him is a reach. His Shaun Alexander moment is nigh.

Tom Brady

2010 was a MVP year for Tom, and while he's 34 he's sill the best QB in the NFL. The addition of a focused, non-MyFace Ochocinco should pay dividends. He's a safe bet for the next three seasons.

Peyton Manning

Manning threw for 4,700 yards in 2010 to a bunch of nobodies (F'ing Jacob Tamme...really?), and proved he's still got it. However, another offseason where Peyton has to go under the knife (on his neck, no life) goes to prove that there are chinks in Superman's armor. The Colts' offensive line is a wreck despite trying to address that need in the draft. Peyton got hammered by opposing offensive lines last year. Would I take him in the first round? Yeah, but I'd be a little nervous.

Adrian Peterson

AP is number two overall on my big board (behind Ray Rice). He's 26, still running hard and should be a great addition for the next three seasons. He'll benefit from McNabb's presence, and Bill Musgrave will mix elements of the West Coast systems with a Shanahan style ground game. I like AP's future.


Buyer Beware 2011
Kevin Kolb

It's funny, right? Last year Kolb was one of my Picks-to-Click last preseason, and he ended-up losing out to Mike Vick. For the length of the offseason, it was kind of a forgone conclusion that Kolb was heading to Arizona. And so he's there now, and after re-watching all of Kolb's games from 2010 (NFL.com Gamepass is the shit), I'm convinced there are some MAJOR question marks there. For starters he's highly inaccurate in the intermediate passing game (Kolb had 7 INTs in limited action in 2010 to 7 TDs) and he does not throw an accurate deep ball. The Whiz likes to go deep, and his passing schemes are extremely complex. Will Kolb be a bust? Maybe. Is he a lock to be a top 8 FF QB? Buyer beware.

With that, I leave you with a some inspiration from the 2014 NFL MVP and 2015 Madden Cover Star.






CHEW IT!

I'm out...

Bob McNair: You are a douche.

Living in a city of perpetual sports mediocrity like Houston, where the pressure is low and fancy free, is the staunchest visage of limbo I could ever imagine. It's a place where gunsliging baseball owners worry about Sheriff Blaylock nacho sales more that the fat tub of chili cheese sauce steals cash like it's a stack of Otis Spunkmeyers out of the EZ Bake.

Then there's Bob McNair, the man who brought professional football back to Houston. A brilliant business man and savvy public figure who at one time embodied all that was good and righteous in what could be a prosperous football franchise. With reports mounting that McNair will indeed retain Gary Kubiak and hire Wade 'Stay-Puft' Phillips as the DC, McNair proves who's no different that Uncle Drayton.

There's only about 2034 things wrong with this situation, but I'll give you the most glaring. Can anyone tell me the only NFL franchise to employ the heaad same coach and not have reached the playoffs at any point in the last five seasons? Why, it's the Houston Texans and native son Gary Kubiak. As a headcoach who's proven an inability to manage the clock and run the football consistently (WITH A FUCKING 17 POINT LEAD) with the NFL's leading rusher, Kubiak's only managed one losing season in five. And last season, the lone 9-7 campaign, the lowly Texans beat-up on the JV NFC East and a Patriots team that played Brian Hoyer for an entire half.

Under Kubiak the Texans have employed two defensive coordinators: Richard Smith and Frank Bush. And those two train wrecks were hired by Kubes and his resident houseboy, GM Rick Smith (more on him later). Those two trainwrecks employed and coached two of the worst defenses in the NFL, and when asked earlier this season why Frank Bush should keep his job, Kubiak responded, "Because I believe in him." Wow, now I KNOW the Texans are a franchise destined for greatness. Kubiak must think he's Tebow. Sorry Gary, only Tim has healing powers.

Then there's GM Rick Smith, the man who Gary Kubiak brought in to be his boss. He's a massive zero in free agency, his drafts have been terrible and whoever made the decision to go into a 2010 season that was expected end in a playoff run with Glover Quinn and Kareem 'The Dream' Jackson? Kubiak or Smith, it doesn't matter: FAIL.

So what's Uncle Bob's response to a pissed-off fan base and failed expectations? Wade Phillips. The same Wade Phillips whose team quit on him in Dalls. The same Wade Phillps whose dad and Houston great, Dan Pastorini campaigned for to Bob McNair at Reliant this past week. While Wade's track record as a DC is impressive, the personnel for the 3-4, which Wade employs, isn't even close. Mario Williams will have to be traded. Tumor Boy Brian Cushing and Demeco Ryans are too small. The secondary still can't cover and Brian Pollard is a poor man's Roy Williams. I could go on and on and on, but I'll have to quit or else I'll become angry and bitter, just like Jace.

What Bob McNair proved is that he's a snake-oil-selling carnival barker who's tosses out nostalgia acts in lieu of intelligent, legit football decisions. Maybe Bob's over matched or frankly just doesn't care because he's cashing in $300 million every season. Instead of Jose Cruz, maybe we can get Bubba McDowell to serve Gatorade? Remember when Drayton hired Larry Dierker? Why the hell not bring in Giff Nielson to coach? All that said, Houston fans will be ticked and show up whenever the CBA issue is addressed in the offseason. We're a city of average in everything except fat asses. Welcome to Houston, Wade, we're just right for 'ya.

Inside the NCL: Week 15

Mr. Kruger Says "We're on the right track"

Knowing that most NCL participants have a passing interest if not a dedicated, diehard interest in the Texans, I thought I'd pass along a little tidbit that you may have missed this past week. As the Texans' season came crashing down this past Monday night with Josh Wilson's pick-six at the expense of Matt Schaub in overtime, most in the league expected head coach Gary Kubiak and GM Rick Smith to be shown the door at the end of the season. And why shouldn't they be? Captain Kubes has steered the Texans to a 1-6 record down the stretch after a 4-2 start, and GM Rick Smith (widely acknowledged as Gary Kubiak's stringed puppet) has blown numerous first round picks on a defense that ranks amongst the worst in the NFL.

Just as the Cowher talk began to bubble on Houston airwaves and in the Chronicle, Texans Owner, Bob McNair (who looks exactly like Mr. Kruger from the greatest show of all-time, "Seinfeld")_ addressed his toilet-spiraling team post practice. What he said, and I'm just paraphrasing here, was basically, 'I just spoke with the owners in the NFL and they all believe that we're on the right track, and that makes me feel good.'

Really, Kruger? Everyone believes you're on the right track? I can't imagine that Jim Irsay, Jerry Jones, Bud Adams, the Glazers and everyone else in the league would tell you anything different. Of course you're on the right track; the right track for them to keep kicking your ass every season. What competitor would want you to make a change in the front office and on the sidelines when they can perpetually enjoy jumping out to 21 point leads while you're head coach fails to manage the 2-minute drill? You really think the Rooney Family wants you to bring Bill Cowher in to instill discipline and not go 1-6 through November/December? You keep believing Mr. Kruger that Coco the Monkey is going to take you to the promised land. Tell Dr. Van Nostrand hi for me, and Happy Festivus.

Efurd Wraps it Up

Efurd's going to win the NCL this weekend. His point lead is damned near insurmountable, and Austin is starting Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB. The money spots are still definitely in play, and only Austin, Bille, James Carville and J. Willy have something to play for. Everyone else: It's time to start thinking about your tags for next year.

MVP Named Starter for the Season




In other news, 2014 NFL MVP, Colt McCoy, was named starter for the rest of the season by lame duck Head Coach Eric Mangini. Anyone looking for a 'can't miss' tag for the coming seasons, and for basically the next 15 years, pick-up McCoy.

Effects of CBA on Tags

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated this past week on NFL Network that he anticipates a new CBA being completed prior to the March 1st deadline. Player Union Rep (and all-time great nut shot artist) Kevin Mawae said on NFL Radio that things are starting to move in the right direction. If for some reason, however, we see a work stoppage, the ramifications for the league and thus the NFL will be far reaching. For example, there will be as many as 8 open coaching vacancies this off season, which will affect rosters from top to bottom. Perhaps you have a back on your squad who's heading toward free agency. You will not know for certain his future prospects with any team until you're certain on the head coach, scheme, and overall team quality.

Efurd's likely going to have to extend the franchise tag deadline if a new agreement isn't in place by March 1st.




Wall F*cks Up

Wall turned down a straight-up Vick for Hakeem Nicks trade right before the deadline. No shit, it's true.